Uncertainty

PET Scan Friday, Sept. 24th, follow up appointment November 16th--6 weeks. RU Kidding??? 6 weeks???

Note: I do not do well with uncertainty. Whatever there is, I like to know; I like to at least think ahead, even if things change. Thinking is doing. I don't like having what feels like a void surround me--if one can even be surrounded by a void--so the fact that the next appointment--the appointment at which information about some sort of something will be imparted--is 6 weeks away is excruciating....it is like this...
Life without boundaries is not a comfortable state.
droves of  leaves fall from trees
swirling in updrafts before giving over to the inevitability of gravity
dancers felled mid pirouette
they scatter on late year grass and gravel roads,
tribute spread before emperors.

Yet, I am completely unable to picture next fall.
(a year from now, so much can happen in a year)

the first snow, first hard frost, first tentative ice in the stock tank,
even the end of the day tomorrow are unimaginable.
no, not quite. they were once certain but are now obscured, and even assurance of the inevitable is unconjurable,
as if I lost the ability to see ahead or to even know that there is something ahead.It is like reaching out to feel a muslin curtain only to have it dissolve between finger tips and blow away. dust. dust so fine it can't even be felt.
looking out through water on a windshield in a heavy rainstorm
waves and tones of grey shot through with occasional flashes of red and yellow

fall was crisp last year,
the winter all blue and white and not too cold
good snow
full of laughter that continued into spring
a reality based in thinking that things seen were things known
(a year ago, so much can happen in a year)

And so, here I am now, waiting and waiting and waiting for what? For answers, for something that will tell me or at least hint at the length of this road. I want to know how long it will take for him to dissolve entirely, and how much of him is gone. I realize that will not be given as an absolute, but something is better than this absolutely nothing.
There are plans that must be made, things put in place. That can't happen without some sort of guide as to what lies ahead. At some point he is beside the point. Where there is little to nothing that can be done, and things will progress as they will, it is more about the rest of us than about him; we can change us, we cannot change him, or affect or alter his situation. That is why I need to know something.....so, Wednesday I called the neurologist's office and asked them if they could please give some information about the scan before the visit even if just an outline. The nurse called back quickly, and the doctor the next day. I was not here for the call, but at least there is something that will come rather soon. A much better feeling than seemingly relentless unknowing.